Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Your Forehead Tells a Story, Senator McConnell

April 18, 2010

Dear Senator McConnell:

My dear friend, Janna, provided the missing puzzle piece when she posted a photo of you on my love letter (April 15, 2010).

Immediately, the whole picture came together. Here’s what I read on your shiny, smooth brow. Republicans elected President Obama. Sure, he had more than enough votes to win, but so did Al Gore and we know how that ended up. Same as you guys have controlled elections for years and will continue to do so until we actually do something about your ownership of voting machines and the lack of scruples that allows you to believe “All’s fair in love, war, and politics,” you controlled this one, too. (quote compliments of Anne Northup when questioned about her misleading attack ad on Eleanor Jordan in 2000 – I can’t find a video to confirm that she included the word love, but that’s how I remember it)

The pattern seems to be that you keep yourselves in power until you run everything into the ground so far you know you can’t dig your way out, and even the sleepers are getting edgy. Then, when things are as bad as they can possibly get and you know you can’t fix it on your own, you let the Democrats win. That way, you can blame the ‘worst’ of times on them, and criticize them for doing the tough, unpopular things that must be done in order to save this country from you. It’s actually quite clever but equally hellbinding*, should you believe such things.

As usual, now that the Democrats are in control, you are pretending to fight everything this administration wants to accomplish. You know your clueless base will buy whatever you are selling, the Democrats have the backbones to put politics aside and do what is necessary, and the clueless will listen at campaign time when you tell them the Democrats "rammed through" policies that you opposed - but that really saved them. And you’ve planted cutsie little puppets like Blackburn of Tennessee, Bachmann of Minnesota, medically-discharged-after-eight-weeks Boehner of Ohio-where-the-sun-shines-eternally, and the babbling Barbie from Alaska to rope in idiots who think pretty faces are more important than brains and convince them that you would never have done anything to help them (and that that’s a good thing – which totally blows my mind).

And your clueless base lives happily ever after, criticizing the Democrats for giving them the things they actually treasure – because you tell them to.

Here’s the tough part for me – I don’t want to accuse you of trying to jump on the cutsie bandwagon with Botox. My conscience tells me that would be an abuse of patient privacy as well as a leap without proof. So, I’m not going there. But I will say that it’s darned near impossible for me to reconcile the sagging jowls and age with that smooth as a mirror brow, or understand how your lips move without the rest of your face. (Feel free to chalk that up to jealousy on my part, since I can’t find a product that will smooth my lines away.)

One other explanation comes to mind. Maybe you have trained yourself not to use facial expressions. If I were going to stand in front of cameras and lie my flat behind off, that’s probably exactly what I would do.

Wrinkled and confused,


*I think I made up the word hellbinding. Let me know if it doesn’t work.

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