Dear Senator (you choose, McConnell or Buster):
You probably won’t be surprised to learn that I thought of you several times on Derby Day. It started when I asked my grandson why race horses always turn their heads toward the lead horses and he refused to stop texting and Google for the answer, and ended when I got stuck with a losing horse in the five-dollar jackpot. I should have prepared for the jackpot drawing instead of waiting until there was only one horse left and I was sure someone had drawn the winner, same as I should start looking today for Republican primary challengers in your next race should you decide to stick with other Americans who refuse to retire either because they are selfish and have no hobbies or interests, or because they can’t afford to give up employer-sponsored health insurance. (As for the Derby pick, I must confess that I would not have selected Super Saver as the winner, even if there had been a full cup of folded names and I had been allowed to peek.)
I gave the grandson a break since he is eleven and I understand how he might not have wanted the other tweens at the party to think he was as strangely obsessed as his Gramma with information and fact seeking. I also know he will not take advantage of that break. Any minute now, I expect a phone call with an apology and a long explanation about how a parent or sibling reminded him that I did not receive an answer to my question so he investigated and found one for me. When that happens, I will think of you once again since, in all the years of questions and corrections, you have never once come back to me with a response with so much as a hint of investigation or self-reflection.
Is it too much to hope that I at least crossed your mind once on Derby Day?
Five dollars poorer today,